Struggle

As I write this, I’m not sure how directly this applies to our path toward simplicity but I have a hunch that it will wind itself around and back toward it somehow, someway. Today has been a very intense and rough day for me as a mother and as my own person. The past three days in fact have been pretty hormonal, emotional, and overall “rough”! After the births of my firstborn daughter and my last (3 months ago), I have experienced anxiety and depression in connection with their arrivals and the hormones that come along with birth and breastfeeding. With my son, I didn’t seem to experience this as much and since he was my second, I assumed I wouldn’t have it with my third child. Boy have I been proven wrong. I am sure it is a culmination of the hormones, sleep deprivation, having three children currently under three to care for, and my insane need to be perfect that have gotten me to this point. I thought the hormones had lifted, and that the anxiety and depression had gone away, but I’m guessing I’m not quite over the hump yet. And though there have been some pretty bad moments in the past couple of days, what I’m realizing is that it is okay to have these moments. Actually, for me, it is a necessary part of my growth and probably in turn, a necessary part of my journey toward simplicity. See, I told you I’d come back around to it!

In the past four days counting today, I have had many crying episodes, have lost my temper, and have even broken down completely and apologized to my children for being a bad mother when they asked me what I was doing (crying). Now the rational side of me knows deep down that I am NOT a bad mother…but in the heat of that moment, with all the pressures I felt internally from my need to be perfect and my need to have just a little quiet time to myself and not getting it, I felt like a terrible mother. I felt guilty for not being completely in love with myself as a stay-at-home mom, for not frankly being completely in love with my children at the present moment, and for feeling like I was not doing all the things I praised and told others about. I felt like a failure. Now, after a little cuddle time with my toddlers, a short nap, and a shower, I can look back upon my day and know that I am only human. As a sleep-deprived mother to three crazy, beautiful, needy kids, I am prone to lose my temper and that’s okay! As a previous full-time student working toward her PhD who chose to give all that up and stay home, I realize it’s okay to not completely be  “in love” with being a stay-at-home-mother. And being a Leo who wants everyone to see and think of her as perfect and never wants to make a fool of herself to others, I realize that it is okay for others to see me fail, to see me as something other than a perfect mother who always compassionately dotes on her children and husband. At the end of the day, I’m just trying to do right by myself, my husband, my children, and by god (with or without the capital “G”).  Some moments I succeed, others I fail, but the fact that I keep getting back up and trying to do it better is what really matters. I am constantly trying to do what I think is right for my children as I think most parents are. What I need to take the time to do, is find more time for myself, to process my thoughts, to work on me, and to give myself some much needed, and much deserved, free time. Just by jotting this down, I feel much better and freer. As a pride-filled Leo, it’s challenging to write this all down and let others see my wounds, but I think it’s the only way I can improve myself. By letting it go, letting go of the control and trusting in the powers that be, I will be the mom I want to be. And I will continue to work hard at doing what I think is right and living the simple life.

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